gray matters

Is anyone still reading this blog?? :-)

So sorry for the absence, step bloggies. Life sometimes just gets in the way, right? Well no worries - I'm back, and soon enough, Lady will be as well.

During my absence, so many things have happened that I feel you stepmoms can identify with. One of them is really bugging me.

Asking permission.

As a stepmom, I feel like I'm constantly having to ask for permission to do something I know is right. But, because I'm not "the mom", I have to get approval from either Mama Ex or my husband. 

Don't get me wrong, some things are seriously not okay for me to decide:

• Tampons for my oldest stepdaughtesr? Not my call. 
• HPV shot for my stepdaughters? Not my call.
• Allowing my stepdaughter to go on a date for the first time? Not my call.

These are just no-brainers. But in-between the obvious legal decisions, health decisions and black and white issues, there is some gray area - and that's where stepmoms live.

Right smack dab in the middle of the gray.

Here's an example:

Earlier this week, my stepdaughters both had an orthodontist appointment. They're each at the age where braces are probably going to be needed so they don't end up looking like Jewel. Hubs was working and unable to make the appointment. Mama Ex was supposed to go, but at the last minute opted out because she couldn't get off of work, either.

So it was on me.

I picked up the girls from school at 11:00 and went to the appointment. I listened, took notes, asked questions...all on behalf of both biological parents. I even made sure to mention that I was just a stepmom, and would have to get back to the orthodontist about whether we would continue with treatment. I was happy to do it all of this. It made me feel like I actually matter in this family. Both Hubs and Mama Ex couldn't be there, so good ol' stepmom stepped up to the plate and did what needed to be done. YAY ME!

The good feeling didn't last.

The appointment ended around 1:15, and the girls still needed lunch. We grabbed a bite quickly, but by the time it was all said and done, the clock read 1:48. School ends at 2:15. It made zero sense to return the girls to school for less than 30 minutes, especially since the classes they were missing were art and choir. I called Hubs and told him I was just going to take the girls back to our house and they could spend the rest of the afternoon finishing homework from their classes earlier in the day. He approved and that was that.

A few minutes after returning home, my youngest stepdaughter's phone rang. It was Mama Ex checking to see how the appointment went. This is the convo I heard:

T: Hi, Mommy!

Mama Ex: (inaudible)

T: Yes, it went great! I do need braces and maybe even an expander thing to make my jaw wider! It was fun to see the pictures of my teeth on this big TV!

Mama Ex: (inaudible)

T: Yeah, we got some lunch that Ruby took us to get. So now I'm just on my bed at Daddy's house doing homework.

Mama Ex: (inaudible)

T: Because Ruby just took us home after lunch and the appointment. Why are you yelling?

Mama Ex: (inaudible)

T: (starts crying) I'm sorry! I didn't think it would matter! Please don't be mad!!

***
 
This went on for several minutes, and though I couldn't hear the other side of the convo, I could easily glean that Mama Ex was less than thrilled that I didn't take the girls back to school after the appointment. 

I'll be honest with you - I never thought it would be that big of a deal. Did I make a minor decision without asking Mama Ex? Yes. But I did ask Hubs and he was fine with it, and as their father, he has that right.

Of course Hubs got an immediate call from Mama Ex, explosively angry that I had the audacity to make a parental decision to not return her children to school.

BACK UP THE TRUCK.

Let me get this straight - I took 2.5 hours out of my day to take these kids to an orthodontist appointment on behalf of the biological parents, and that was fine. I listened to a doctor explain what procedures these children needed on behalf of the biological parents, and that was fine. I asked questions about the procedures and cost of this orthodontia work on behalf of the biological parents, and that was fine. I use my own insurance to get $1,000 per child covered if we move forward with the treatment...and that is fine. But making a common sense decision to let the kids miss 25 minutes of school is unacceptable and completely outside my boundaries?

Did I miss something?

The bottom line is, Mama Ex didn't like that I made a decision without her. As long as she knows exactly what I'm doing with her children and when I'm doing it, all is well. But the minute I step outside what she is expecting, all hell breaks loose.

And that isn't fair.

You can't trust someone to be there for important medical procedures/consultations, and not trust them to make a truly insignificant choice about 25 minutes of school. You either trust me, or you don't.

Pick a lane.

Is that too much to ask?


Has this ever happened to you? Do you feel like one minute you're worthy of parental decisions, and the next you're no different than a babysitter? Tell me how you feel in the comments!

lady in waiting

You know when you wake up in the middle of the night and realize something you've never taken the time to realize before? That happened to me last night. I sat up in bed at about 2:30 AM and had an epiphany.

What I realized was, I spend a whole lot of time doing this one thing as a stepmom, and when I think I'll be done with it, it just starts back up again. It's not laundry (though that has its moments). It's not cooking. It's not a household chore of any kind.

It's waiting.

Waiting and waiting and waiting. Then waiting some more.
 
Of course, everyone is always waiting on something. I mean, that's just life. But as a stepmother, the things that are at the top of my wait list have changed dramatically. As a single gal, my waiting list was something like this:

1. Wake up and wait for Taco Bell to open
2. Get back from Taco Bell and wait for hangover to go away
3. Wait for Friday night so I can drink all weekend.
4. Wait for graduation so I can get a big girl job and make money.
5. Wait for the 15th of the month so I can get paid from my big girl job and spend my money. Probably on Taco Bell.
6. Wait to meet Mr. Right.
7. Wait to get married to Mr. Right. 
8. Get married to Mr. Right and wait for the rest of our lives.

It was all so easy, the waiting. There was no real stress in my life to speak of before getting married and starting my life as a stepmother. But then came the marriage, and subsequently, the role of my lifetime. I'm not complaining, I promise. But a little introspection never hurt anybody. 

After a year or two as a stepmom, my wait list changed in ways I never would have experienced. Instead of worrying about hangovers to go away, I was waiting on a completely different set of circumstances. My waits changed to this:

1. Wait for kids to fully accept me
2. Wait for Mama Ex to accept me, even a little bit
3. Wait for child support payments to be easier
4. Wait for mediation dates
5. Wait for court dates
6. Wait for the Xanax to kick in during the court dates
7. Wait for court decision
8. Wait for completely messed up court decision to sink in
9. Wait for money to show up in bank account to pay for crappy court decision
10. Wait for the day we can forget court ever happened
11. Wait for kids to appreciate what we do for them 
12. Wait for Mama Ex to appreciate what we do for HER
13. Wait to be recognized, just once, for being a good stepmom
14. Wait for Mama Ex to get divorced
15. Wait for Mama Ex to stop dating a guy the kids hate
16. Wait for Mama Ex to introduce us to her new boyfriend of three weeks that has moved in with my stepdaughters
17. Wait for school to end
18. Wait for vacation to start
19. Wait for school to start
20. Wait for the day the kids don't expect everything great in life to originate at our house.
21. Wait for the day that this all gets easier

#21 is my biggest wait. And what I realized lying in bed last night, was this. It's not going to get easier. Not ever. As I've said many times before, I'm in this for the long haul. My stresses and waits aren't going to go away when these kids turn 18. And my #1 wait? The one where I wait for the kids and Mama Ex to fully accept me? They might never, ever happen.

I think when I became a stepmom, I just assumed everything would fall into place like the damn Brady Bunch. But that isn't reality for me, or anyone else. Mike and Carol Brady never had to deal with their past spouses (where were they, anyway?). I'd like to see a real episode, where Mike's ex-wife lies and tells the kids that Mike isn't paying child support and that's why she can't afford cable. I'd like to see the kids be confused about who they can truly talk to, because they feel like no matter what, they're hurting one of their parents.

My waits are just going to get longer and harder as the years pass. Soon it will be waiting to see if my oldest stepdaughter takes our advice and tries to start a career, or takes her mother's advice and goes the route of "get married and let the guy take care of you."  
There's no way of knowing. There's no way of seeing. I have to just accept that whatever happens what happens, and waiting around for it all to work out perfectly, tied up in a big red bow is an exercise in futility.

And as for that Brady Bunch episode that shows life with a real blended family?

I'm still waiting...

Twenty questions

I'm suffering from major writer's block today, so I thought I would try something quick, simple and easy that can help you all get to know me better. 

Behold, 21 things about Ruby Red you didn't know (and maybe didn't want to know but I'm telling you anyway)...

1. I always read words backwards and try to pronounce them backwards in my head. I don't know why.

2. I hate stroganoff.

3. I have been married for seven years as of this past Monday. Woot!

4. My stepdaughters were 3 and 6 when I met them and they are 11 and 13 now. It gives me gray hair to think about it.

5. Mama Ex and I used to get along relatively well. We didn't go shopping together or anything, but we were on friendly terms. It basically all changed when Hubs and I went to court to ask for more time. I don't regret any of our decisions to go to court.

6. I love guacamole. Like, an unhealthy love.

7. I try to stay out of the Leann Rhimes/Brandi Glanville mom/stepmom drama that seems to explode on Twitter all the time. That shit is cray cray, yo.

8. I have two dachshund dogs and two cats. Both of my dogs are rescues and are full breed animals. Both of my cats are rescues. I am a HUGE proponent of adoption and animal rights and may or may not give anyone a hard time who buys from breeders or pet stores. But I'll always do it nicely!

9. I have an obsession with anything on the Bravo! network. That obsession has expanded to "Ladies of London" this summer.

10. My favorite non-alchy beverage is icy cold Dr. Pepper, though I really try not to drink it.

11. I have struggled with infertility for 4 years. It drives me bat sh*t crazy.

12.  I'm deeply considering opening this blog up to talk about my entire life as a whole, rather than just experiences as a stepmom. Thoughts?

13. I enjoy paying bills.

14. My fave movie of all time changes daily, but it varies between "Gone With the Wind" and "Sex and the City." I blame the drastic change on the afore mentioned Bravo! network.

15. I was affiliated with one political party my entire life and changed 5 years ago. But I'm still registered as the original affiliation because I'm too lazy to change it.

16. I've started 5 novels and never finished any of them. Someday, friends. Someday.

17. I'm a Midwesterner. Don't hate.

18. I change my nail polish at least twice a week. My husband calls my nail polish drawer the "Rainbow of Death Drawer."

19. For my real job, I'm a sales rep and I frigging love it.

20. My college degree is in interior design. 

21. I really, really love red wine.


What else would you like to know, bloggies? I'm pretty much an open book.

STOP! 4 (More) Questions to NEVER Ask a Stepmom. Ever.

I get a lot of un-asked for advice when it comes to my role as a stepmom. It's amazing what experts people think they are from watching a few episodes of Oprah, or because they have a friend going through the "EXACT same thing." 

Except that they don't.

As stepmothers, we are all going through very similar things, but no one's story is the same. Nobody has the exact same set of circumstances that you do. I feel like when people try and relate to me as a stepmom, they go about it all wrong. Say all the wrong things. So, as an update to my previous list, let me add a few more phrases to never say when talking with a stepmom. Feel free to pass along to all of your friends that need a quick reminder...
  
1. Well, you signed up for this, didn't you?

This. Drives. Me. Banana bread. 

No, dear friend, I did not sign up for this. There was no document that meticulously laid out all of the trials and tribulations I would encounter when I became a stepmom. That's like me finding out your daughter is smoking crack and saying, "Well, you became a mom. You signed up for this." 

What I did sign up for was to unconditionally love a husband and two stepkids, and to try and maturely handle a very interesting relationship with the mother of his children. That's all I knew. I didn't have a crystal ball that forewarned me about anything. To imply that I can't ever be upset, or shocked or taken aback by something relative to being a stepmom simply because I got married is a whole load of BS. I am a human being and I have feelings...and those feelings will sometimes be nonsensical and ridiculous. Telling me that I should have known this was coming is not only insensitive, it's mean. So don't say it.

2. But you only have XYZ years left before this over, right?

Um, no. Becoming a stepmother is a lifeline commitment. My stepkids, much like biological children, don't fall off the face of the earth when they turn 18. In fact, just like biological children, my stepkids might become even more of a challenge when they become adults. I mean, all those that never called their parents for help after 18, raise your hand.

That's what I thought.

By stating the number of years until the kids are 18 to me only says one thing: you think my stepparent role is about money. Because child support (in some cases) ends when the child turns 18. 

Wrong-o.

My role as a stepparent is not shaped around the amount of money my husband and I spend toward child support. In fact, that's at the very bottom of the list. Stepparents give their heart, love, and soul to their stepkids. Money's just math.

Understand that when a friend says this phrase, what they are truly saying is, "only XYZ years until I don't have to hear about your damn stepkids and Mama Ex anymore." And maybe it's time to get a new friend...cuz your stepkids aren't going anywhere.

3.You want me to drive by Mama Ex's house and see if there's a blue Jeep in the driveway and get a picture of the owner? SURE!!!!


Put down your keys and step away from my maniacal plans. I need you, my friend, to stop me. I have gone off the rails.

Sometimes this happens. I go a little coo coo. I hear stories from the kids about Mama Ex, and I get curious. I want to know if they're true. More importantly, I want to know if they're things I can use against her in court. It's so, so bad of me. It's naughty and it's wrong. Mama Ex has a right to live her life and as long as it isn't putting the kids in danger, I have ZERO right to meddle.

So when I come to you with a theory on how to figure out the password to her email, or a plan on how to catch her cheating on her boyfriend, you've got to talk me down. Don't encourage me. Remind me that this is NONE OF YO BUSINESS, RUBY! Remind me to live my life and stop focusing on hers. Period.

4. Look at the bright side, if your step kids turn out messed up, it isn't your fault, right?

This doesn't come up a lot, but every now and again, as I'm relaying a story to a friend about something nutso that the kids have done, it does surface. And it's hurtful. As a friend to a stepmom, you have to remember that as much as we whine about the kids, or share stories about how much they're driving us nuts, we view them as our kids. Just like you see your biological children as your kids. You don't get carte blanche to say negative things about my stepkiddo's just because they're "steps."

I take my role as a stepparent very seriously. I influence these kids. I am a part of their lives. So, if one of them ends up as a drug dealer, yes, it is partly my fault. I did sign up to nurture them and love them unconditionally, regardless of who they become. Sometimes it may seem like you have some leeway to speak candidly about how you feel about them because they aren't biologically mine, but really, that's not the case. 

As I've said before, just think of my stepkids as though they are biologically mine. Because when they are with me (and even when they're not), I think of them that way. The best thing you can do is listen to me and support me. Don't try and pull stories from me. DO tell me I'm doing a great job and that you understand how difficult it can be. Relate to me with stories of your children. We're in the same boat, you and me. Let's ride it out together.

bed of rotten roses

The other day we talked about money relative to child support, and how frustrating it can be when it appears that Mama Ex is misusing the money that lands in her bank account every month.

Ironically, shortly after I wrote that blog post, a fellow #twitterstepmom (@stepMomsAnon) posted this picture with the question:

Is this BioMom providing abusive care to her children?

I immediately felt a lurch in my gut. I could identify with this picture. A few years back, my youngest stepdaughter was sleeping on a blow up mattress (she did have a bed frame, though) in her room at Mama Ex's home. The previous mattress was old and smelled, and needed to be disposed of. A new mattress was required, but Mama Ex didn't have the money to buy her a new mattress.


Fair enough. Mattresses are expensive. They can be a few hundred dollars, and we knew that Mama Ex didn't have that kind of disposable income. Rather than be petty and shout from the rooftops "THIS IS WHAT CHILD SUPPORT IS FOR!", Hubs and I decided we would do the right thing and purchase a mattress for his daughter. Basic living conditions are necessary for her to do well in school and have good self-esteem about her life. 

$150 wasn't worth an argument about semantics.

I felt good about this decision and even better that my SD was finally getting to sleep on a decent bed. All was well. 

But a few weeks later, Hubs saw a text from Mama Ex to her daughter in response to asking for a new toy. The text essentially said, "Ask Daddy if you want that, honey. He's responsible for getting you these things. Just like your mattress."

Then the feces hit the oscillating equipment on the ceiling.

(That means shit hit the fan.)

All this time, we were getting necessities for my SD, thinking that Mama Ex was just unable to pay for them. We didn't interrogate her, we didn't accuse her. We just took care of it because it was the right thing to do. But to find out that even if she had the money, she wouldn't have taken care of those costs because it was Hubs responsibility?

Not okay.

So...despite my experience with this rotten and icky situation, my answer to @StepMomsAnon's question is still the same: No. That picture does not depict abusive care.

Poverty or near poverty is not a crime. There are millions of children who are sleeping on blankets on the floor at night with a mother and/or father doing the best he/she can to give them what they need. And they are failing to make ends meet. That is not abuse or neglect. That is an unfortunate situation that I can feel empathy for. Times can be tough, and we've all been there.

Don't get me wrong, there is a decidedly large difference between not being able to provide your children with proper care/clothing and choosing not to because you expect someone else (like the other parent) to handle it. Mama Ex probably could have paid for a mattress and didn't. Is it wrong? Hell yes. Is it abuse? Trust me, the Missouri court systems don't think it is.
  
But here's the biggest thing of all. IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY. No one is going to show up at Mama Ex's door and demand that she change her mind about what the father of her children is required to pay for. Sure, we could spend several thousand dollars going back to court and once again slowly explaining to Mama Ex what child support is, and how it is to be used. But would it be worth it? That thousand dollars may as well go toward helping the kids with what they need that they clearly aren't getting elsewhere.

Is it unfair? Yes. Is this part of the responsibility of marrying a man with children? Yes, it is. 

As a stepmom, I face this situation a lot, and I know a lot of you are with me. Hubs and I are able to give the girls everything they need at our home, and we are able to give the girls everything they need at their mother's home. 

Does that mean we should?

Not necessarily.

I think Hubs children should experience both sides of the fence. As I said before, there is nothing wrong with living in a home that doesn't have every available amenity at all times. That's life, yo. However, when it comes to basic needs (like lunch money, mattresses, clothes that fit), I believe Hubs children should have those, even if that means we get to dig in our pockets and pay for it. I tell myself this every morning:

I can't make Mama Ex do the right thing. But I can hold myself accountable to do right by these children that I have committed to.

End of story. End of discussion.
 

Show Me The money

As I connect with more and more stepmom's out there, I hear the same story complaint repeated back to me over and over and over again.

The money.

Where's the money?

SHOW ME THE MONEY!

As a stepmom, you are forever expected to be okay with (okay, not forever, but for awhile) watching a significant portion of your Hubs' salary go right out of his paycheck, flutter through the air and land in Mama Ex's bank account. 

Where she gets to do with it as she pleases.

The money should go to supporting the children (hence that clever name, "child support"). But it doesn't always happen that way - or at least we assume it doesn't.

Stepmoms are practically set up to fail when it comes to having grown up, mature thoughts about child support. After all, we know how hard our husbands work for their money, and we can think of 12 zillion more productive things that WE would do with that money if we had it in our joint account where it belonged. Unfortunately, thinking about all the ways Mama Ex is spending our hubby's money incorrectly isn't helping anyone. And if you're talking about it out loud, chances are, the kids are hearing it.

Here are some tips for stepping away from the negative nelly approach to child support and focusing on how to make (partial) peace with it.

Glass Houses, Throwing Stones, etc. etc.

I know how tempting it is to assume the worst when it comes to child support. You see Mama Ex go on a trip to Florida but then see a notice from the school that the kids are low on lunch money. What gives??

 But c'mon...have you honestly never bought a new pair of shoes when the money should have gone to your car insurance? Have you never had a bank overdraft for something stupid? Unless your financial house is constantly in order and has never been out of order, you probably shouldn't judge Mama Ex's spending habits. Everyone makes mistakes and you wouldn't want to be held accountable to Mama Ex's financial standards, right? She doesn't want to be held to yours, either.

The Law Isn't Going to Change

I've heard it 10,000 times. "Why can't the government make it so that the money from child support can ONLY be used for housing, or food, or something that benefits the child?"

Because it won't make a difference. Think of it this way.

Let's say Mama Ex gets $100.00 per week in child support. Let's say she gets $500.00 per week for her job. That's $600.00 per week, yes? Okay. You think Mama Ex spends at minimum $70.00 per week of child support on stuff for herself. NO FAIR!! So let's just pretend that suddenly the government steps in and makes it so that child support can only be spent on groceries. Fine. It won't matter. Mama Ex will just reallocate. Instead of using the $70.00 from child support on herself, she'll use the $70.00 of child support on groceries. And now she has saved $70.00 of her own money that used to go toward groceries. Which she can use to by stuff for herself. It's still $600 per week, no matter how you slice it. If she's determined to use the money for herself, she's going to find a way, yo.

And you sitting in the corner, mentally adding it all up and making assumptions about what you think she's spending will just make you crazy. And crazy isn't very sexy. Your husband likes you when you're sexy.


You Don't Know Mama Ex's Situation

Unless you are part of a very small group that probably exists somewhere, Mama Ex is probably not providing you receipts for everything that she's spending or receiving. You see a new pair of shoes and think, "UGH! Those TOTALLY came from child support!"

Um, how do you know? Did Mama Ex show you her bank statement?

Perhaps Mama Ex got a killer bonus at work. Maybe she went gambling on Friday night and made a cool $1,000.00 on Kitty Glitter. Good for her. Maybe her new boyfriend showered her with a "I think I love you" present. Perhaps she got them on a killer sale at Goodwill. The fact is YOU DON'T KNOW. You don't know any more than Mama Ex knows how much your car payment is each month. 

BECAUSE IT'S NONE OF HER BUSINESS.

And her money is none of yours.

But My Stepkids Told Me....

BUT RUBY, you say. The kids told me that Mama Ex didn't get a bonus and she doesn't have a new boyfriend and she didn't win any money on Kitty Glitter. They kids TOLD me she bought that Michael Kors bag with her child support. 

Your stepkids are lying, yo.

Or maybe I should rephrase. Your stepkids are placating you. They are repeating back what they've heard you already say so they can win brownie points with you. Children do not understand child support. It's this weird mythological thing that's out there causing drama between their mom and their dad. They know Mom doesn't think she gets enough of it and Dad thinks Mom gets too much of it. Imagine how stressful that is for them. It's like living in a yo-yo.

Give your stepkids a break and never discuss child support in front of them. If a friend mentions it in conversation when the ankle biters are around, SHUT.IT.DOWN. Kids have enough to worry about without you bringing in the cost of child support each month. 

But the Kids DO Understand

Even more of a reason to keep mum. Imagine you're 14 years old and you truly do understand what child support is. You totally get that it's supposed to help make your life better at Mom's house because she makes less than Dad. Now imagine you hear your stepmom complaining that she is SO SICK of giving money to Mama Ex. In your head, that translates to, "My stepmom doesn't think I'm worthy of this money. I must be a pretty crap kid."

Yikes.
 
I realize there are extenuating circumstances out there and thousands of Mama Ex's abuse their child support dollars. And that sucks monkey butt. What you must ask yourself is, "what good will it do me to dwell on this?" It likely won't be changing any time soon. If you can, try and put a positive spin on it. Whether you realize it or not, that child support is helping your stepkids. It may not be helping them as much as you would prefer, but hey, that's life.

Now go buy your stepkids some ice cream and buy yourself some new shoes...   
 

The 9 Commandments for Meeting Mama Ex's Kids

I've been single. 

It wasn't fun.

Okay, I take that back, it was fun for awhile. I mean, at ages 18-24, it was a lot of Coyote Ugly moments with brief glimpses of "maybe this guy could work if I work on him a little." 

I actually cringe just thinking about it.

I was lucky that at the young age of 26, I found Hubs. He and his two girls changed my life in so many positive ways and I am eternally grateful. We were lucky - Hubs' kids pretty much liked me instantly. They were 3 and 6 and ready for Daddy to find someone that he loved. I fit the bill pretty well...and I loved to play with Barbies. 

10,000 brownie points to Ruby, please.

When I met the girls, their mom was married. She seemed relatively happy, but a year later we were told that she was splitting from her husband. They separated and now, six years later, Mama Ex has yet to find someone to settle down with.

Here's the problem, though. Dating when your kids are 3 and 6 is different than dating when your kids are 11 and 14. The rules change. When children are still young, you can shift reality a little. It works to say, "this is mommy's friend Dave" without having to follow up with any other pertinent info. They couldn't care less. Does Dave smile at them? Great. Does Dave do a great Donald Duck impression? Even better! WE LIKE DAVE!
But the tides have changed. Hubs' girls aren't little girls anymore. They are wise, (like, scary wise) mini-adults who have seen their mom go through several relationships, and they have expectations for the type of guy they want to see her end up with. 

So, here are some basic commandments that I think men (or women) should consider before they "meet the kids" for the first time.

But Ruby, you say, you aren't an expert on this!!

Aren't I? 

I'm pretty sure I dated Hubs, a guy with two young girls. I went through this first hand and learned the hard way on a few things. So yes, I have self-qualified myself to give some advice. So there.

(But if you mean a licensed expert, no I'm not. That's what the OWN network is for.)

1. Thou shalt not bring gifts.

You may think I'm crazy, but I'm seriously not. You are meeting the children of the woman you are dating, not your future mother in law. (Potential mother-in-law's love gifts.) You might think "this gift will set me apart," but it's just showing the kids that you hope to buy their love. The first time I met my future stepdaughters, I came with myself and an open heart. I looked in their eyes and listened with my ears. I was present. After a few dates, sure, bring a little gift if you'd like. But don't use a gift to set an impossible precedent.

2. Thou shalt wash your hair.

Would you go to an interview in sloppy jeans and a t-shirt? No. Same goes for meeting the kids. I'm not saying you need to rent a tuxedo, but how you dress is saying something about you. Do you care enough to dress nicely for this woman? I would hope so. Believe it or not, kids notice everything. Holey jeans and a Metallica tank top circa 1996 may be your go-to chick magnet attire, but these are different kinds of chicks. These are little chickens that need to feel they are as important as the hen. You probably dressed up for your first date with Mama Ex, right? Follow suit with the kids.

3. Thou shalt not drink.

Think this rule is ridiculous? Then you aren't ready to date a man or woman with children. If you can't say no to booze for three whole hours while you meet her mini-me's, just move on. Nothing says, "I hope this is over soon" louder and clearer than ordering a double tall whiskey tonic. You never know what the kid(s) have seen before your time. Maybe their mom's last boyfriend was an alcoholic. Maybe their DAD is an alcoholic. Maybe the smell of beer makes them queasy. It doesn't matter. If you're nervous, just tell them that. 

Liquid confidence and children do not belong in the same sentence.

 4. Thou shalt not stay over.

I know it's early and you have googly-eyes for Mama Ex. I know she's the hotter than doughnut grease and you're having mind blowing, amazing sex when the kids aren't home. Let's keep it that way. Come over, stay for a bit, and then leave. This is especially true if you are meeting children of the opposite sex. Imagine you're a 10 year old girl and you wake up in the middle of the night and need to pee. What if you run into that big guy you just met tonight on your way to the bathroom? 

No thanks, I'll just pee myself and blame it on the dog.

Let's be honest, it's not like you're in Mama Ex's bedroom playing Monopoly (unless it's strip Monopoly). And the kids know that.

Think of it this way...you don't walk into a gym after a four year absence and run three miles, do 40 minutes of the stairmaster and then 600 crunches. You ease into it. Ease yourself into this home. There's a right time for, "Mommy's friend is going to stay over." 

So when is the time right for a sleep over? A good indication is when the kid says, "Mommy, can Jack stay over so we can eat pancakes with him tomorrow?" If you hear that, you're golden. 

Chances are, you won't hear it on the first meeting.

5. Thou shalt not play touchy touchy.

This is similar to Rule 4, but on a more macro level. The kid(s) are watching you with their mom. Are you holding the door for her and easing her through the entrance with a respectful hand on her back? Or are you smacking her ass and saying, "Good GOD, woman!" as you walk into Applebee's? Both of those things are sending signals - make sure you're sending the right one.

 6. Thou shalt not discuss the kids' Dad.

I don't care what you've heard. I don't care what you have proof of. Daddy-O is off limits. If the kid(s) mention him, simply nod and change the subject. You have not been around long enough to give your input. Mama Ex may hate him. The KIDS may even hate him. But you get to be Switzerland - nice and neutral. Even if Mama Ex brings him up, simply quietly say, "We don't need to talk about that, I want to know more about these cuties!" Easy, simple, respectful.

Are you sensing a theme??

7. Thou shalt be interested in the kids.

This is as much an interview for you as it is for them. Children are not optional - they are the free (and amazing) gift that comes with mom. It's okay for you to wonder and discover if this is going to be a good fit. Ask about them. What do they love to do? What do they hate to do? What's their favorite movie? Who is their favorite singer? By showing interest in them, you are learning about your girlfriend's parenting style while at the same time learning about them. There's a lot to be gleaned from this first meeting if you pay attention.

8. Thou shalt be yourself

Kids have amazing bullshit detectors. And you can't beat them. So if Tommy asks you if you like to camp and the idea of sleeping outside gives you hives, don't lie. Try something like, "You know, Tommy, I don't really enjoy camping outside, but I LOVE to set up a good fort in the living room. Have you ever done that?" Boom.

Understand that there's a very good chance that, if the kids are in a stubborn mindset, nothing you say will be the right answer. And that's okay. This is an adjustment for everyone. If you spend the whole evening weaving a web of falsehoods to impress them, it's all for naught if you plan on sticking around for awhile. You can't be everything they want you to be. You can't be their dad. 

Be yourself instead - it's a lot easier.

9. Thou. Shalt. Wait.

Meeting the kids is not for date number two. Or four. I'm not going to tell you what number to pick, but it should be higher than eight. In addition, the children should already feel like they know you before you meet them. Trust me, it will make it easier. In fact, Mama Ex should have mentioned you in several light-hearted conversations before the meeting. It's not okay for the kids to come home after school and be told, " You get to meet Mommy's boyfriend tonight! YAY!" 

Like I said before, ease into it. This isn't an easy process and it takes time. Lots of time. If at first it doesn't go well, just regroup and try again. I mean, even Julie Andrews had to work awhile before those von Trapp brats liked her, right? And she's Julie friggin' Andrews.

(That was a joke, people.)

If you need me, I'll be sitting behind this computer, ready to give you my un-professional and often un-asked for advice. :)

look back, learn forward

I really fly by the seat of my pants when it comes to the subjects I write about on this blog. Sometimes it's about Mama Ex, sometimes it's about the stepkids, sometimes it's about my infertility journey relative to being a step parent.

I apologize if this gives all of you blogger whiplash.

Today as I walked my little wiener dogs all around the neighborhood, I did something I often do, which is to reflect on my life a stepmom and how far I've come. I enjoy looking back, not to re-hash what I did wrong, but to see what I have learned. It's impossible to grow as a stepmom (let alone a person) if you aren't retrospective about your journey along the way. And so, my friends, here are a few things that I felt worth mentioning as I've made the transition from single to stepmom in the last 7 years. Do you identify with any of them?

The Kids Grow Up

I'm not sure how in the world I didn't see this one coming. When I first met my stepkids, they were 6 and 3. Our relationship came relatively easily (Mama Ex's did not, more on that another day) and I loved everything about them. I loved that they listened to what I said, and most of the time, agreed with it! But a few week ago, I realized, these kids are 11 and 14 now. They're becoming actual people. The list of things to help them with is getting longer, more complex and more stressful. They're getting more expensive. They talk back. Somehow, when I got married, I naively didn't worry about "as the kids get older." It was just this ambiguous thing off in the distance that would show up someday and I'd deal with it then. I wish I had taken a little extra time to prep myself for the inevitable change in the kids. Physically, mentally, emotionally...it can be overwhelming when you aren't ready for it.

Mama Ex May NOT Grow Up

Call me optimistic, but I always just assumed that one day, the pettiness that we deal with when it comes to Mama Ex would just melt away. Eventually, she would really see that I am not here to cause her harm or steal her children. I'm just here to love her children the best that I know how. I saw us all getting together and having dinner together with the kids to show them a united front, laughing at how silly we have been over the years.

It hasn't happened. And I have to realize that it may never happen. I might have matured and grown less petty and selfish, but maybe Mama Ex won't. I might reflect on things I could have done differently, but maybe Mama Ex won't. As my fave basketball coach used to say, "You just play your game. Let them play theirs."

Thou Will Be Judged - and So Will Hubs

I really thought that by 2014, humans would have evolved enough to know that not every family is two parents, 2.5 kids and a Labradoodle. But there are those out there that still crinkle up their nose like they smell a rotten potato when I say, "these are my two stepdaughters." Like we're a bunch of lepers walking around infecting everyone else.

I remember when I first introduced my two stepdaughters to one of my aunts. She looked at M, then at T, then to Hubs, and back at T with a strange look on her face. Later, I overheard her talking to my mother and she actually said these words:

"Well, I can see the resemblance between M and Hubs. But, did you ever wonder if T is actually his? They look nothing alike. I know Hubs and Mama Ex were never married. Maybe he's paying child support for a kid that isn't even his?? Ruby should really think about that."

I was dumbfounded. This was coming from a woman with four children from three different men and a minimum of three divorces under belt. Where did she get off making judgments about my family? I've learned over the years that people automatically assume they have a right to say these sorts of things because those kids aren't your kids. It's like open season because the children don't share my DNA. And that is messed up.

The point is, as a stepmom, you and your husband will be judged by awful, ignorant people. The trick is to handle them with dignity and grace. Hold your head high. You are a wonderful stepmom and anyone who questions you can take a long walk off a short pier. And then drown. Which leads me to...

Don't Take it Lying Down

When my aunt uttered those words about my stepdaughter, I had only been a stepmom for about five minutes. I never corrected my aunt or stood up for myself and I've regretted it every day since. I have learned there is a time and place for silence, and a time and place to find your voice and use it.

No one is going to be your advocate except you. 

So...

• If a teacher mistakenly calls you Mom during a teacher conference, it's okay to say, "Actually, I'm the kids' stepmom. You met their mother Jane last week. I know it can be a little confusing!"

• If someone tells you - in person or via social media - that you don't have a right to give input regarding your stepchildren, (kindly) set them straight. Let them know that you share time with the kids and have a very vested interest in their well being and always share your input with your husband. Ultimately, the biological parents have the final word, but your input is expected and most importantly, valued.

• If a doctor asks you to sign a legal document, it's perfectly okay to say, "I would, but I'm Cara's stepmom, so I need to have her father or mother sign this. We'll get it right back to you." Don't do what I did three years ago and make up some lame excuse like, "I need to read the fine print on this first and then sign it later tonight, thanks!!" That's acting ashamed of being a step parent. You have nothing to be ashamed of. People are going to get it wrong sometimes and correcting them shows that you know yourself and your boundaries as a stepmom well enough to be honest. 
  

•  If you're at a school event/doctor appointment/music lesson/recital/whatever and Hubs can't attend, don't be a door mat. Let's say the music teacher gives Mama Ex a schedule of upcoming recitals, politely say, "May I have one of those as well? Bobby's father and I will want a copy for our records." No, you aren't being a bitch and no, you aren't violating your boundaries. You and Hubs are a team and you share your life with his children. Many times, if it's just you and Mama Ex at the event, people will make the assumption that you're Mama Ex's sister or a good friend. That's not their fault; they don't know any better. But that doesn't mean you can't correct them.

As a stepmom, you're learning new things every day, and it's not very likely that you'll get it all right the first time. If you make a mistake, brush it off and right the ship the next time. 

Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is a family. Give it time.

 

A Nanny I am Not

I'm pissed, yo.

And it's all Twitter's fault.

I totally <3 Twitter most of the time. Especially when it comes to #twitterstepmoms. Twitter is a place for me to share my bare naked, biased, ridiculous, sometimes witty but mostly just raw feelings about being a stepmom. (It's also a place for me to shamelessly promote this blog.)

I've virtually met so many people that have pulled me through rough times. We're all in this together, learning as we grow. I have grown strangely protective of you all. Every single stepmama I encounter on Twitter I can instantly identify with. You all are like a timeline of my own stepmother journey. Some of you are only in your first year as a stepmom. Some just got a ring on it and are looking forward to the journey down the aisle. Some of you have been at it for 20+ years and have helped me prep for what's coming. My point is, Twitter is a place for help, for venting, and for love.

It is not, my friends, a place for judgement.

I know there are Trolls out there. Nasty, Twitter Trolls that will say anything to get a reaction out of other stepmoms. They make assumptions and judgments about others. I try not to feed the trolls, or even acknowledge that they are there. But sometimes one of I want to eat Popeye spinach and get really big and virtually pummel them into Troll dust. I won't name names, but one particular Troll recently made a comment that took me to the bad place. The Troll basically said this:

If a stepmom is in any way acknowledged or celebrated on Mother's Day, then so should the nanny, because they're essentially the same thing. No #twitterstepmom can explain to me why that shouldn't be the case.

And I basically reacted like this:

 

SAY WHAT? As a stepmom, I'm the same as a NANNY?

Oh, hell no.

My first instinct was to write a scathing Tweet in response, spewing every naughty word I'm not supposed to say. But I stopped myself. I know it won't do any good. Nothing is going to change this person's opinion and responding will only feed the fire.

However, I do know that this misconception is out there in full force. And stepbloggies, we have to fix it. Not with anger and curse words and fits, but with information. So, here are the reasons that I, as a stepmother, believe I am not the same as a nanny or a babysitter. Feel free to share with others in your life that need some enlightening.

Nannies Get Learned Up

Nanny's are trained to watch over children. Hell, some of them go to school and get degrees for it.I received no schooling or help. No, I had to figure this shit out ALL ON MY OWN. No one gave me a course book on child psychology and calmly explained how to handle kids that weren't mine. No one patted me on the head and sent me on my way, telling me how great I was going to be at this. I just had to hope I would be.

Nannies Get Days Off

Do you really think nannies are taking their weekends off, sitting around worrying about how the kids they watch are going to do in college? Or how they're going to use their own funds to PAY for those kids to go to college? Do you think nannies are reading article after article on how make a lasting bond with these children without causing them any irreparable mental damage? Do you think nannies are spending their Thursday nights boiling over with anticipation for the weekends? Okay, maybe some are, but my guess is most are out living their lives and welcoming the break that they get from the kiddos. And they're probably looking forward to the paycheck that they expertly negotiated in exchange for for watching those awesome kids. Which brings me to my next pont.

Nannies Get Paid...Well

I do not receive, nor have I ever asked for, monetary compensation for my role as a stepmother. I accept payment in the forms of hugs, kisses, smiles and maybe an occasional diamond necklace (that was a joke). I took the role of a stepmom because I fell in love with a man that had children and consequently, fell in love with those children. Never once did I stop and think, "I wonder if this job comes with health and dental and a quarterly bonus if the kids get all A's this semester?"

I do not receive overtime if I stay up until 2:00 in the morning helping my step daughter with her Science project. I do not get an extra $25.00 to stay just a little bit longer and maybe start dinner if that's okay. I do this job because I WANT IT, not because it's helping me reach retirement sooner.

Nannies Get Respect From the Biological Mother

Do you know of a nanny who gets ridiculed and made fun of for JUST FOR EXISTING? Better yet, do you know of a nanny who is hated because she had the audacity to unconditionally love the children under her care? I didn't think so. Nannies are typically welcomed with open arms by the father and the mother. The nanny is viewed as a solution to a problem. An angel sent from heaven. A life saver. Nannies are celebrated for going above and beyond their duties. When I go above and beyond, I'm violating my boundaries and should probably be taken out to a field and shot in the head for our crimes. And I'll never be viewed as an angel sent from heaven.

For a nanny, the happy relationship with the parents comes easy. In fact, you probably wouldn't get hired if there wasn't an immediate connection with the children and the parents. Which brings me to....

I Earned My Job as a Stepmom - Nannies Interview for Their Job

I talked about this in my last blog entry. My relationship with my stepkids was earned over time. A lot of time. It didn't consist of me showing up with a resume in my hand, smiling and saying, "I've got credentials longer than the Bible. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Oh, and I don't work Friday's and I don't cook."

No no no.

I only had approval from one person when this all started (that would be Hubs). I had to twist and turn my thoughts, habits, values and morals to fit with what these children (and to some degree, their mother) needed. Because that is the role I chose. I love Hubs so much that I decided to throw away all of my preconceived and fairy tale notions of what a marriage would be and start on a very uncertain journey as a stepmom. I earned their love. I earned their respect.

Nanny's Can Quit

If Little Timmy turns out to be a holy terror, Nanny Jane can tell the family to eff off and move on to the next. Not here. Not as a stepmom. I'm in it. All day, every day, for the rest of my life. Quitting isn't an option for me. If my stepdaughter decides to shave her head and pierce her nose, I'm here. If Mama Ex has a meltdown and is disrespectful or  insolent toward me, I'm here. There is no ejection seat. There is no collecting my back pay and showing the family my backside as I walk away. This IS my family now. In all of its craziness and awesomeness, it's mine. And I wouldn't change it for anything.

Does all of this mean I'm entitled to extra love on Mother's Day? Maybe. Maybe not. But one thing it certainly does mean is that, at the end of the day, I am NOT a Nanny. I am NOT a babysitter. I am so much more. And to throw a label like that onto me is like throwing water on the Wicked Witch of the West. It defeats me. It melts me. It makes me less capable of doing a good job as a step mother. So just don't. You don't have to like me, but you do have to respect me and my family.

And I will do the same for you.