lady in waiting

You know when you wake up in the middle of the night and realize something you've never taken the time to realize before? That happened to me last night. I sat up in bed at about 2:30 AM and had an epiphany.

What I realized was, I spend a whole lot of time doing this one thing as a stepmom, and when I think I'll be done with it, it just starts back up again. It's not laundry (though that has its moments). It's not cooking. It's not a household chore of any kind.

It's waiting.

Waiting and waiting and waiting. Then waiting some more.
 
Of course, everyone is always waiting on something. I mean, that's just life. But as a stepmother, the things that are at the top of my wait list have changed dramatically. As a single gal, my waiting list was something like this:

1. Wake up and wait for Taco Bell to open
2. Get back from Taco Bell and wait for hangover to go away
3. Wait for Friday night so I can drink all weekend.
4. Wait for graduation so I can get a big girl job and make money.
5. Wait for the 15th of the month so I can get paid from my big girl job and spend my money. Probably on Taco Bell.
6. Wait to meet Mr. Right.
7. Wait to get married to Mr. Right. 
8. Get married to Mr. Right and wait for the rest of our lives.

It was all so easy, the waiting. There was no real stress in my life to speak of before getting married and starting my life as a stepmother. But then came the marriage, and subsequently, the role of my lifetime. I'm not complaining, I promise. But a little introspection never hurt anybody. 

After a year or two as a stepmom, my wait list changed in ways I never would have experienced. Instead of worrying about hangovers to go away, I was waiting on a completely different set of circumstances. My waits changed to this:

1. Wait for kids to fully accept me
2. Wait for Mama Ex to accept me, even a little bit
3. Wait for child support payments to be easier
4. Wait for mediation dates
5. Wait for court dates
6. Wait for the Xanax to kick in during the court dates
7. Wait for court decision
8. Wait for completely messed up court decision to sink in
9. Wait for money to show up in bank account to pay for crappy court decision
10. Wait for the day we can forget court ever happened
11. Wait for kids to appreciate what we do for them 
12. Wait for Mama Ex to appreciate what we do for HER
13. Wait to be recognized, just once, for being a good stepmom
14. Wait for Mama Ex to get divorced
15. Wait for Mama Ex to stop dating a guy the kids hate
16. Wait for Mama Ex to introduce us to her new boyfriend of three weeks that has moved in with my stepdaughters
17. Wait for school to end
18. Wait for vacation to start
19. Wait for school to start
20. Wait for the day the kids don't expect everything great in life to originate at our house.
21. Wait for the day that this all gets easier

#21 is my biggest wait. And what I realized lying in bed last night, was this. It's not going to get easier. Not ever. As I've said many times before, I'm in this for the long haul. My stresses and waits aren't going to go away when these kids turn 18. And my #1 wait? The one where I wait for the kids and Mama Ex to fully accept me? They might never, ever happen.

I think when I became a stepmom, I just assumed everything would fall into place like the damn Brady Bunch. But that isn't reality for me, or anyone else. Mike and Carol Brady never had to deal with their past spouses (where were they, anyway?). I'd like to see a real episode, where Mike's ex-wife lies and tells the kids that Mike isn't paying child support and that's why she can't afford cable. I'd like to see the kids be confused about who they can truly talk to, because they feel like no matter what, they're hurting one of their parents.

My waits are just going to get longer and harder as the years pass. Soon it will be waiting to see if my oldest stepdaughter takes our advice and tries to start a career, or takes her mother's advice and goes the route of "get married and let the guy take care of you."  
There's no way of knowing. There's no way of seeing. I have to just accept that whatever happens what happens, and waiting around for it all to work out perfectly, tied up in a big red bow is an exercise in futility.

And as for that Brady Bunch episode that shows life with a real blended family?

I'm still waiting...

look back, learn forward

I really fly by the seat of my pants when it comes to the subjects I write about on this blog. Sometimes it's about Mama Ex, sometimes it's about the stepkids, sometimes it's about my infertility journey relative to being a step parent.

I apologize if this gives all of you blogger whiplash.

Today as I walked my little wiener dogs all around the neighborhood, I did something I often do, which is to reflect on my life a stepmom and how far I've come. I enjoy looking back, not to re-hash what I did wrong, but to see what I have learned. It's impossible to grow as a stepmom (let alone a person) if you aren't retrospective about your journey along the way. And so, my friends, here are a few things that I felt worth mentioning as I've made the transition from single to stepmom in the last 7 years. Do you identify with any of them?

The Kids Grow Up

I'm not sure how in the world I didn't see this one coming. When I first met my stepkids, they were 6 and 3. Our relationship came relatively easily (Mama Ex's did not, more on that another day) and I loved everything about them. I loved that they listened to what I said, and most of the time, agreed with it! But a few week ago, I realized, these kids are 11 and 14 now. They're becoming actual people. The list of things to help them with is getting longer, more complex and more stressful. They're getting more expensive. They talk back. Somehow, when I got married, I naively didn't worry about "as the kids get older." It was just this ambiguous thing off in the distance that would show up someday and I'd deal with it then. I wish I had taken a little extra time to prep myself for the inevitable change in the kids. Physically, mentally, emotionally...it can be overwhelming when you aren't ready for it.

Mama Ex May NOT Grow Up

Call me optimistic, but I always just assumed that one day, the pettiness that we deal with when it comes to Mama Ex would just melt away. Eventually, she would really see that I am not here to cause her harm or steal her children. I'm just here to love her children the best that I know how. I saw us all getting together and having dinner together with the kids to show them a united front, laughing at how silly we have been over the years.

It hasn't happened. And I have to realize that it may never happen. I might have matured and grown less petty and selfish, but maybe Mama Ex won't. I might reflect on things I could have done differently, but maybe Mama Ex won't. As my fave basketball coach used to say, "You just play your game. Let them play theirs."

Thou Will Be Judged - and So Will Hubs

I really thought that by 2014, humans would have evolved enough to know that not every family is two parents, 2.5 kids and a Labradoodle. But there are those out there that still crinkle up their nose like they smell a rotten potato when I say, "these are my two stepdaughters." Like we're a bunch of lepers walking around infecting everyone else.

I remember when I first introduced my two stepdaughters to one of my aunts. She looked at M, then at T, then to Hubs, and back at T with a strange look on her face. Later, I overheard her talking to my mother and she actually said these words:

"Well, I can see the resemblance between M and Hubs. But, did you ever wonder if T is actually his? They look nothing alike. I know Hubs and Mama Ex were never married. Maybe he's paying child support for a kid that isn't even his?? Ruby should really think about that."

I was dumbfounded. This was coming from a woman with four children from three different men and a minimum of three divorces under belt. Where did she get off making judgments about my family? I've learned over the years that people automatically assume they have a right to say these sorts of things because those kids aren't your kids. It's like open season because the children don't share my DNA. And that is messed up.

The point is, as a stepmom, you and your husband will be judged by awful, ignorant people. The trick is to handle them with dignity and grace. Hold your head high. You are a wonderful stepmom and anyone who questions you can take a long walk off a short pier. And then drown. Which leads me to...

Don't Take it Lying Down

When my aunt uttered those words about my stepdaughter, I had only been a stepmom for about five minutes. I never corrected my aunt or stood up for myself and I've regretted it every day since. I have learned there is a time and place for silence, and a time and place to find your voice and use it.

No one is going to be your advocate except you. 

So...

• If a teacher mistakenly calls you Mom during a teacher conference, it's okay to say, "Actually, I'm the kids' stepmom. You met their mother Jane last week. I know it can be a little confusing!"

• If someone tells you - in person or via social media - that you don't have a right to give input regarding your stepchildren, (kindly) set them straight. Let them know that you share time with the kids and have a very vested interest in their well being and always share your input with your husband. Ultimately, the biological parents have the final word, but your input is expected and most importantly, valued.

• If a doctor asks you to sign a legal document, it's perfectly okay to say, "I would, but I'm Cara's stepmom, so I need to have her father or mother sign this. We'll get it right back to you." Don't do what I did three years ago and make up some lame excuse like, "I need to read the fine print on this first and then sign it later tonight, thanks!!" That's acting ashamed of being a step parent. You have nothing to be ashamed of. People are going to get it wrong sometimes and correcting them shows that you know yourself and your boundaries as a stepmom well enough to be honest. 
  

•  If you're at a school event/doctor appointment/music lesson/recital/whatever and Hubs can't attend, don't be a door mat. Let's say the music teacher gives Mama Ex a schedule of upcoming recitals, politely say, "May I have one of those as well? Bobby's father and I will want a copy for our records." No, you aren't being a bitch and no, you aren't violating your boundaries. You and Hubs are a team and you share your life with his children. Many times, if it's just you and Mama Ex at the event, people will make the assumption that you're Mama Ex's sister or a good friend. That's not their fault; they don't know any better. But that doesn't mean you can't correct them.

As a stepmom, you're learning new things every day, and it's not very likely that you'll get it all right the first time. If you make a mistake, brush it off and right the ship the next time. 

Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is a family. Give it time.

 

If being is a stepmom is a job...when do we get a raise?

I've been doing some major thinking lately.

(And yes, some of the thinking circles around how on earth I can figure out a way to watch 'Downton Abbey' without crying ever. single. episode.)

Anyways.

I've been thinking about my expectations in my career as a stepmom. In the world of normal careers (accountant, sales rep, , 6+ years experience in a position would be pretty great. I'd be at a point where I'd likely be experiencing the following:

• A substantial raise
• My own cell phone paid for by the company
• Respect
• Praise for a job well done
• A bonus
• Additional vacation time
• Sick days
• Stock options
• Christmas parties with lots of booze
• A hot copy machine guy to stare at
• Impromptu "Let's get out of the office at 3:00 and never come back" days.

But as a stepmom? Well,  6+ years experience seems to be equivalent to "Intern". With my years of experience, the bulk of my fringe benefits are:

• No pay
• A cell phone that I pay for and use to try and communicate with my stepkkids. And generally get declined because Mama Ex hates that they want to talk to me.
• Some respect. None of which comes from Mama Ex.
• A little praise
• A lot of criticism - from Mama Ex, friends, strangers, etc.
• The never-ending feeling that I don't quite belong and probably never will.
• The privilege of acting as Chauffer
• And Cook
• And shoulder to cry on
• Hugs and kisses from my stepkids that are never full hugs and kisses. Those are reserved for Mama Ex.

So when does all of this change? When do I get upgraded to "Executive Vice Parent" to these kids that I love so, so much? Is there some magical date in which the tides turn and all of a sudden I get the benefits that I think I deserve? Unfortunately, I think that answer is "no". 

I realize that all parents, not just steps, feel unappreciated some of the time. Maybe even all of the time. In fact, when I've made reference to the fact with friends or family that I do feel taken advantage of at times, it's often met with a chuckle and some version of the phrase "Well, join the club!" The problem is, as a stepmom, I CAN'T join the club. Even if I want to. My corporate card will never reach the gold level. I'll always be stuck at silver, or maybe even that ugly, tarnished bronze color. I'm like Eddie Murphy in "Trading Places", standing outside the restaurant window watching my colleagues live it up, knowing I don't belong.

As I write this, I realize how incredibly selfish I sound. Why should I expect that at some point I will receive anything just for being a parent-figure? As so many people love to say, "Hey Ruby, you signed up for this. You knew it was coming." At the end of the day, shouldn't I accept and understand that, though it's unacknowledged by Mama Ex, my stepkids or the world at large, I am playing a huge part in how these kids grow up. Shouldn't that be enough for me?

Apparently Wednesday is "Ruby Pity Party Day." But hey, we all need those, right?

conference me in

Lady has been on my case for the last two months to PLEASE WRITE SOMETHING ON THIS BLOG WE CREATED. Like now.

I've given about every excuse in the book not to.

I'm tired. I just started a new job. I need to work out. I have split ends. My roots are showing. No one wants to hear what I have to say. People aren't going to like me.

No more excuses. It's time to get down to work.

In her last entry, Lady started to tell you a little bit about herself. I'll get to that as well, but before I do, I'm going to ask the question that has been burning on my mind for the last four days:

Should a stepmother be allowed to attend Parent Teacher Conferences?

Now before you get all excited and start ripping your hair out screaming THESE ARE YOUR RIGHTS AS A STEPMOTHER!!!, let me explain.

I am aware that many schools allow divorced or separated couples to schedule PTC's apart from each other. This is intended to avoid the conference turning into a therapy session where Mom accuses Dad of dating a floozy, and Dad accuses Mom of spending her child support on Botox.

I get it.

But here's the thing. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think it's healthy for Mom and Dad to put their differences aside and show up to the conference together. Don't get me wrong, I get that it's hard. I really do. My Hubs is currently in a long legal process with Mama Ex, trying to get more custody of his girls. Things are not rosy. But, the two of them have agreed to suck it up and go to the conferences together.

There are three reasons I think this is great.

1) The children know both parents got the same information and therefore can't try and manipulate parent against parent. (Example: "No Daddy, the teacher told Mommy I'm doing excellent in Math. You must have heard her wrong."

2) The kids see that Hubs and Mama Ex are concerned enough about their education to show up together and act like adults.

3) Hubs and Mama Ex show the teacher that they can be a united front.

This is where it gets dicey. I am an extremely committed step mom. I consider myself an extension of my husband and Mama Ex when it comes to parenting. I do my best to hold up the rules of Mama Ex's household just as much as the rules of ours. I go to basketball games, recitals, field trips and pitch in for school events. In addition, I pay for clothing, nights out on the town with the girls, fun activities, movies, toys. These are things I do willingly and gladly, because this is the family I signed up for. I love to be involved in the girls' lives.

But...

Two weeks ago when Mama Ex texted Hubs to let him know PTC's were next week, she essentially said this:

Girls' PTC are next week. I assume you will go at the same time as me as always. I think it's best if only the girls' parents attend, and then we can take them to dinner afterward.

I guess I wouldn't have a problem with this, if it weren't for the fact that I always attend the conferences with my husband and Mama Ex. Always. I don't contribute. I sit behind Mama Ex and Hubs and listen intently and keep my comments to myself. I'm just there to show support to my husband and to show the teacher that all of the adults in the children's lives are active participants.

This has never been a problem before. Then again, Mama Ex's boyfriend of the month has always come along with her. But now, Mama Ex is single, and suddenly she doesn't think I should attend.

This makes me...not happy. I love hearing how the girls are doing in school. The girls love knowing that I went to the conferences and am showing an interest in their education and their learning.

I believe this to be a (rather selfish) flex of Mom muscle by Mama Ex, mostly because attending a parent teacher conference solo terrifies her. My contention is she only allowed me to attend in the past because she was allowing her boyfriend to come along, too. Now that he's gone, she wants me gone.

News flash: I'm not a girlfriend of Hubs. I'm his wife. I am the girls' step mom.

And so I ask you - based on the fact that I have always attended parent teacher conferences with Hubs and Mama Ex, should I be allowed to attend the upcoming conference next week? Do I risk angering Mama Ex by showing up whether she wants me to or not? Do I leave it to Hubs to go to bat for me? Do we just schedule a separate conference? Do I just let it drop in the interest of not rocking the boat?

A little help, please...

An Outsider Finally Feeling In

Since meeting my stepkids, I've always felt like an outsider when they are with my husband and I.  Their inside jokes, years of history and their ability to know just what each other is thinking without saying the words.  


My husband is an amazing father.  He knows his kids inside and out, just like any father should.  He knows what they like to eat, what they will watch when it comes to movie time, what their argument will be for not wanting to take a shower...everything.  And they know him.   Dad likes this.  Dad doesn't do that.  Dad always wears this on game days.  Dad love this.  Dad doesn't have that.  The words "he never liked that before" or "if it weren't for you, Dad wouldn't do that" seem to ring in our house constantly. 


I feel like I'm always failing when it comes to being a part of their crowd.  Pizza night? I order from the wrong place, or the wrong kind.  Movies?  We've seen that already. Dad would have known.  Dad knows what we like.  Dad makes my (fill in the blank) the way I like them.  Why doesn't Dad just make dinner?  We play this game with Dad, not that one.  Dad. Is. Perfect. (I hear: why are you here??)


Yet, even with Super Dad in place, the five of us still do everything together when they're at our house.  But at times it feels like the four of them would be better off without me.  I don't understand the ongoing battle for superiority in mini golf when we play.  I don't know who gets to hold the popcorn when we go to the movies. Even this summer when we went on their annual family vacation (much longer post on that later), I was experiencing things with their family for the first time yet this was old hat to the kids and my husband.  What I found to be exciting, was merely old news.  All of their habits have been established years before I came into the picture.  And seem to be set in stone.  Really big, super glued and concreted stone.


I've always felt I just don't have a place.  Until the other day.


We went to visit my folks while they were on one of their camping excursions and while I was inside the camper helping my mom prep for dinner, the kids and their dad were outside playing a game, "Who Knows Dad The Best".  My SD yells to me that I should play too.  This felt like a trap.  I got a knot in my stomach the size of a soccer ball wondering if they were going to point and laugh at me setting me up for failure.  Knowing that the kids would surely know everything about their dad and I'd only have what I've learned about him in the two years we've been together.  


So I tell her I'm going to be a little while but to go ahead without me.  I'd help them if they got stuck on something they didn't know.  All the while I'm trying to tell myself I'd give anything to win that game.


So, as I am licking the frosting off the spoon mixing up the frosting for cupcakes, I overhear the game begin.


"What is Dad's favorite food?".  Duh, sushi I think to myself.  


"Besides, sushi..." Crap, I would have nailed that one!  


The kids throw out their answers of tacos, steak...a lot of um...and I dunno's...and finally the youngest, my 7 year old stepson says, "Lasagna".  Of course.  This is right and I'm proud of him for knowing (while mentally high fiving myself).


The questions continue from "Dad's favorite sport" to "Dad's favorite color"...easy questions.


And then it happened.  The questions got harder and the kids were stumped.  They didn't know what his favorite time of year was.  They didn't know what his favorite soda was.  They didn't know his favorite vacation or even his favorite band.  


And I did!


Then the questions turned to the kids' favorites.  And this time, Dad didn't know them!  


And I did!!!


And though I wasn't outside playing along with them, I had a feeling inside that I had never had before.  For the first time I was thinking that I might actually "get them".  And maybe next time we did something together, I'd have a chance of doing it right.  Or anticipating their wants.  


This one little tiny moment of shimmering hope stood in my mind and shrunk down that soccer ball in my stomach.  


For the first time, something as simple as knowing my step son's favorite color was yellow, when their Dad didn't, made me feel like the Queen of the United States I wasn't always going to be an outsider.  Like all of my hard work in trying to learn everything about them was finally starting to stick.


When I became a Stepmom, I expected everything to fall in line and to be able to step into their lives and fit like a perfect puzzle.  I had been able to do that with my husband and figured the kids would be just as easy.  I. Was. Wrong.  


It hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies but finally, I'm feeling like I am making strides with the kids and we are starting to build our own super glued concrete rock.  It may have really rough edges, and may not always stick together just perfect, but it is ours.  And it is a start.


What was your "I Fit!!" moment with your new family?  Did it take time or was it instant?