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I'm suffering from major writer's block today, so I thought I would try something quick, simple and easy that can help you all get to know me better.
Behold, 21 things about Ruby Red you didn't know (and maybe didn't want to know but I'm telling you anyway)...
1. I always read words backwards and try to pronounce them backwards in my head. I don't know why.
2. I hate stroganoff.
3. I have been married for seven years as of this past Monday. Woot!
4. My stepdaughters were 3 and 6 when I met them and they are 11 and 13 now. It gives me gray hair to think about it.
5. Mama Ex and I used to get along relatively well. We didn't go shopping together or anything, but we were on friendly terms. It basically all changed when Hubs and I went to court to ask for more time. I don't regret any of our decisions to go to court.
6. I love guacamole. Like, an unhealthy love.
7. I try to stay out of the Leann Rhimes/Brandi Glanville mom/stepmom drama that seems to explode on Twitter all the time. That shit is cray cray, yo.
8. I have two dachshund dogs and two cats. Both of my dogs are rescues and are full breed animals. Both of my cats are rescues. I am a HUGE proponent of adoption and animal rights and may or may not give anyone a hard time who buys from breeders or pet stores. But I'll always do it nicely!
9. I have an obsession with anything on the Bravo! network. That obsession has expanded to "Ladies of London" this summer.
10. My favorite non-alchy beverage is icy cold Dr. Pepper, though I really try not to drink it.
11. I have struggled with infertility for 4 years. It drives me bat sh*t crazy.
12. I'm deeply considering opening this blog up to talk about my entire life as a whole, rather than just experiences as a stepmom. Thoughts?
13. I enjoy paying bills.
14. My fave movie of all time changes daily, but it varies between "Gone With the Wind" and "Sex and the City." I blame the drastic change on the afore mentioned Bravo! network.
15. I was affiliated with one political party my entire life and changed 5 years ago. But I'm still registered as the original affiliation because I'm too lazy to change it.
16. I've started 5 novels and never finished any of them. Someday, friends. Someday.
17. I'm a Midwesterner. Don't hate.
18. I change my nail polish at least twice a week. My husband calls my nail polish drawer the "Rainbow of Death Drawer."
19. For my real job, I'm a sales rep and I frigging love it.
20. My college degree is in interior design.
21. I really, really love red wine.
What else would you like to know, bloggies? I'm pretty much an open book.
I get a lot of un-asked for advice when it comes to my role as a stepmom. It's amazing what experts people think they are from watching a few episodes of Oprah, or because they have a friend going through the "EXACT same thing."
Except that they don't.
As stepmothers, we are all going through very similar things, but no one's story is the same. Nobody has the exact same set of circumstances that you do. I feel like when people try and relate to me as a stepmom, they go about it all wrong. Say all the wrong things. So, as an update to my previous list, let me add a few more phrases to never say when talking with a stepmom. Feel free to pass along to all of your friends that need a quick reminder...
1. Well, you signed up for this, didn't you?
This. Drives. Me. Banana bread.
No, dear friend, I did not sign up for this. There was no document that meticulously laid out all of the trials and tribulations I would encounter when I became a stepmom. That's like me finding out your daughter is smoking crack and saying, "Well, you became a mom. You signed up for this."
What I did sign up for was to unconditionally love a husband and two stepkids, and to try and maturely handle a very interesting relationship with the mother of his children. That's all I knew. I didn't have a crystal ball that forewarned me about anything. To imply that I can't ever be upset, or shocked or taken aback by something relative to being a stepmom simply because I got married is a whole load of BS. I am a human being and I have feelings...and those feelings will sometimes be nonsensical and ridiculous. Telling me that I should have known this was coming is not only insensitive, it's mean. So don't say it.
2. But you only have XYZ years left before this over, right?
Um, no. Becoming a stepmother is a lifeline commitment. My stepkids, much like biological children, don't fall off the face of the earth when they turn 18. In fact, just like biological children, my stepkids might become even more of a challenge when they become adults. I mean, all those that never called their parents for help after 18, raise your hand.
That's what I thought.
By stating the number of years until the kids are 18 to me only says one thing: you think my stepparent role is about money. Because child support (in some cases) ends when the child turns 18.
Wrong-o.
My role as a stepparent is not shaped around the amount of money my husband and I spend toward child support. In fact, that's at the very bottom of the list. Stepparents give their heart, love, and soul to their stepkids. Money's just math.
Understand that when a friend says this phrase, what they are truly saying is, "only XYZ years until I don't have to hear about your damn stepkids and Mama Ex anymore." And maybe it's time to get a new friend...cuz your stepkids aren't going anywhere.
3.You want me to drive by Mama Ex's house and see if there's a blue Jeep in the driveway and get a picture of the owner? SURE!!!!
Put down your keys and step away from my maniacal plans. I need you, my friend, to stop me. I have gone off the rails.
Sometimes this happens. I go a little coo coo. I hear stories from the kids about Mama Ex, and I get curious. I want to know if they're true. More importantly, I want to know if they're things I can use against her in court. It's so, so bad of me. It's naughty and it's wrong. Mama Ex has a right to live her life and as long as it isn't putting the kids in danger, I have ZERO right to meddle.
So when I come to you with a theory on how to figure out the password to her email, or a plan on how to catch her cheating on her boyfriend, you've got to talk me down. Don't encourage me. Remind me that this is NONE OF YO BUSINESS, RUBY! Remind me to live my life and stop focusing on hers. Period.
4. Look at the bright side, if your step kids turn out messed up, it isn't your fault, right?
This doesn't come up a lot, but every now and again, as I'm relaying a story to a friend about something nutso that the kids have done, it does surface. And it's hurtful. As a friend to a stepmom, you have to remember that as much as we whine about the kids, or share stories about how much they're driving us nuts, we view them as our kids. Just like you see your biological children as your kids. You don't get carte blanche to say negative things about my stepkiddo's just because they're "steps."
I take my role as a stepparent very seriously. I influence these kids. I am a part of their lives. So, if one of them ends up as a drug dealer, yes, it is partly my fault. I did sign up to nurture them and love them unconditionally, regardless of who they become. Sometimes it may seem like you have some leeway to speak candidly about how you feel about them because they aren't biologically mine, but really, that's not the case.
As I've said before, just think of my stepkids as though they are biologically mine. Because when they are with me (and even when they're not), I think of them that way. The best thing you can do is listen to me and support me. Don't try and pull stories from me. DO tell me I'm doing a great job and that you understand how difficult it can be. Relate to me with stories of your children. We're in the same boat, you and me. Let's ride it out together.
As I connect with more and more stepmom's out there, I hear the same story complaint repeated back to me over and over and over again.
The money.
Where's the money?
SHOW ME THE MONEY!
As a stepmom, you are forever expected to be okay with (okay, not forever, but for awhile) watching a significant portion of your Hubs' salary go right out of his paycheck, flutter through the air and land in Mama Ex's bank account.
Where she gets to do with it as she pleases.
The money should go to supporting the children (hence that clever name, "child support"). But it doesn't always happen that way - or at least we assume it doesn't.
Stepmoms are practically set up to fail when it comes to having grown up, mature thoughts about child support. After all, we know how hard our husbands work for their money, and we can think of 12 zillion more productive things that WE would do with that money if we had it in our joint account where it belonged. Unfortunately, thinking about all the ways Mama Ex is spending our hubby's money incorrectly isn't helping anyone. And if you're talking about it out loud, chances are, the kids are hearing it.
Here are some tips for stepping away from the negative nelly approach to child support and focusing on how to make (partial) peace with it.
Glass Houses, Throwing Stones, etc. etc.
I know how tempting it is to assume the worst when it comes to child support. You see Mama Ex go on a trip to Florida but then see a notice from the school that the kids are low on lunch money. What gives??
But c'mon...have you honestly never bought a new pair of shoes when the money should have gone to your car insurance? Have you never had a bank overdraft for something stupid? Unless your financial house is constantly in order and has never been out of order, you probably shouldn't judge Mama Ex's spending habits. Everyone makes mistakes and you wouldn't want to be held accountable to Mama Ex's financial standards, right? She doesn't want to be held to yours, either.
The Law Isn't Going to Change
I've heard it 10,000 times. "Why can't the government make it so that the money from child support can ONLY be used for housing, or food, or something that benefits the child?"
Because it won't make a difference. Think of it this way.
Let's say Mama Ex gets $100.00 per week in child support. Let's say she gets $500.00 per week for her job. That's $600.00 per week, yes? Okay. You think Mama Ex spends at minimum $70.00 per week of child support on stuff for herself. NO FAIR!! So let's just pretend that suddenly the government steps in and makes it so that child support can only be spent on groceries. Fine. It won't matter. Mama Ex will just reallocate. Instead of using the $70.00 from child support on herself, she'll use the $70.00 of child support on groceries. And now she has saved $70.00 of her own money that used to go toward groceries. Which she can use to by stuff for herself. It's still $600 per week, no matter how you slice it. If she's determined to use the money for herself, she's going to find a way, yo.
And you sitting in the corner, mentally adding it all up and making assumptions about what you think she's spending will just make you crazy. And crazy isn't very sexy. Your husband likes you when you're sexy.
You Don't Know Mama Ex's Situation
Unless you are part of a very small group that probably exists somewhere, Mama Ex is probably not providing you receipts for everything that she's spending or receiving. You see a new pair of shoes and think, "UGH! Those TOTALLY came from child support!"
Um, how do you know? Did Mama Ex show you her bank statement?
Perhaps Mama Ex got a killer bonus at work. Maybe she went gambling on Friday night and made a cool $1,000.00 on Kitty Glitter. Good for her. Maybe her new boyfriend showered her with a "I think I love you" present. Perhaps she got them on a killer sale at Goodwill. The fact is YOU DON'T KNOW. You don't know any more than Mama Ex knows how much your car payment is each month.
BECAUSE IT'S NONE OF HER BUSINESS.
And her money is none of yours.
But My Stepkids Told Me....
BUT RUBY, you say. The kids told me that Mama Ex didn't get a bonus and she doesn't have a new boyfriend and she didn't win any money on Kitty Glitter. They kids TOLD me she bought that Michael Kors bag with her child support.
Your stepkids are lying, yo.
Or maybe I should rephrase. Your stepkids are placating you. They are repeating back what they've heard you already say so they can win brownie points with you. Children do not understand child support. It's this weird mythological thing that's out there causing drama between their mom and their dad. They know Mom doesn't think she gets enough of it and Dad thinks Mom gets too much of it. Imagine how stressful that is for them. It's like living in a yo-yo.
Give your stepkids a break and never discuss child support in front of them. If a friend mentions it in conversation when the ankle biters are around, SHUT.IT.DOWN. Kids have enough to worry about without you bringing in the cost of child support each month.
But the Kids DO Understand
Even more of a reason to keep mum. Imagine you're 14 years old and you truly do understand what child support is. You totally get that it's supposed to help make your life better at Mom's house because she makes less than Dad. Now imagine you hear your stepmom complaining that she is SO SICK of giving money to Mama Ex. In your head, that translates to, "My stepmom doesn't think I'm worthy of this money. I must be a pretty crap kid."
Yikes.
I realize there are extenuating circumstances out there and thousands of Mama Ex's abuse their child support dollars. And that sucks monkey butt. What you must ask yourself is, "what good will it do me to dwell on this?" It likely won't be changing any time soon. If you can, try and put a positive spin on it. Whether you realize it or not, that child support is helping your stepkids. It may not be helping them as much as you would prefer, but hey, that's life.
Now go buy your stepkids some ice cream and buy yourself some new shoes...
I really fly by the seat of my pants when it comes to the subjects I write about on this blog. Sometimes it's about Mama Ex, sometimes it's about the stepkids, sometimes it's about my infertility journey relative to being a step parent.
I apologize if this gives all of you blogger whiplash.
Today as I walked my little wiener dogs all around the neighborhood, I did something I often do, which is to reflect on my life a stepmom and how far I've come. I enjoy looking back, not to re-hash what I did wrong, but to see what I have learned. It's impossible to grow as a stepmom (let alone a person) if you aren't retrospective about your journey along the way. And so, my friends, here are a few things that I felt worth mentioning as I've made the transition from single to stepmom in the last 7 years. Do you identify with any of them?
The Kids Grow Up
I'm not sure how in the world I didn't see this one coming. When I first met my stepkids, they were 6 and 3. Our relationship came relatively easily (Mama Ex's did not, more on that another day) and I loved everything about them. I loved that they listened to what I said, and most of the time, agreed with it! But a few week ago, I realized, these kids are 11 and 14 now. They're becoming actual people. The list of things to help them with is getting longer, more complex and more stressful. They're getting more expensive. They talk back. Somehow, when I got married, I naively didn't worry about "as the kids get older." It was just this ambiguous thing off in the distance that would show up someday and I'd deal with it then. I wish I had taken a little extra time to prep myself for the inevitable change in the kids. Physically, mentally, emotionally...it can be overwhelming when you aren't ready for it.
Mama Ex May NOT Grow Up
Call me optimistic, but I always just assumed that one day, the pettiness that we deal with when it comes to Mama Ex would just melt away. Eventually, she would really see that I am not here to cause her harm or steal her children. I'm just here to love her children the best that I know how. I saw us all getting together and having dinner together with the kids to show them a united front, laughing at how silly we have been over the years.
It hasn't happened. And I have to realize that it may never happen. I might have matured and grown less petty and selfish, but maybe Mama Ex won't. I might reflect on things I could have done differently, but maybe Mama Ex won't. As my fave basketball coach used to say, "You just play your game. Let them play theirs."
Thou Will Be Judged - and So Will Hubs
I really thought that by 2014, humans would have evolved enough to know that not every family is two parents, 2.5 kids and a Labradoodle. But there are those out there that still crinkle up their nose like they smell a rotten potato when I say, "these are my two stepdaughters." Like we're a bunch of lepers walking around infecting everyone else.
I remember when I first introduced my two stepdaughters to one of my aunts. She looked at M, then at T, then to Hubs, and back at T with a strange look on her face. Later, I overheard her talking to my mother and she actually said these words:
"Well, I can see the resemblance between M and Hubs. But, did you ever wonder if T is actually his? They look nothing alike. I know Hubs and Mama Ex were never married. Maybe he's paying child support for a kid that isn't even his?? Ruby should really think about that."
I was dumbfounded. This was coming from a woman with four children from three different men and a minimum of three divorces under belt. Where did she get off making judgments about my family? I've learned over the years that people automatically assume they have a right to say these sorts of things because those kids aren't your kids. It's like open season because the children don't share my DNA. And that is messed up.
The point is, as a stepmom, you and your husband will be judged by awful, ignorant people. The trick is to handle them with dignity and grace. Hold your head high. You are a wonderful stepmom and anyone who questions you can take a long walk off a short pier. And then drown. Which leads me to...
Don't Take it Lying Down
When my aunt uttered those words about my stepdaughter, I had only been a stepmom for about five minutes. I never corrected my aunt or stood up for myself and I've regretted it every day since. I have learned there is a time and place for silence, and a time and place to find your voice and use it.
No one is going to be your advocate except you.
So...
- If a teacher mistakenly calls you Mom during a teacher conference, it's okay to say, "Actually, I'm the kids' stepmom. You met their mother Jane last week. I know it can be a little confusing!"
- If someone tells you - in person or via social media - that you don't have a right to give input regarding your stepchildren, (kindly) set them straight. Let them know that you share time with the kids and have a very vested interest in their well being and always share your input with your husband. Ultimately, the biological parents have the final word, but your input is expected and most importantly, valued.
- If a doctor asks you to sign a legal document, it's perfectly okay to say, "I would, but I'm Cara's stepmom, so I need to have her father or mother sign this. We'll get it right back to you." Don't do what I did three years ago and make up some lame excuse like, "I need to read the fine print on this first and then sign it later tonight, thanks!!" That's acting ashamed of being a step parent. You have nothing to be ashamed of. People are going to get it wrong sometimes and correcting them shows that you know yourself and your boundaries as a stepmom well enough to be honest.
- If you're at a school event/doctor appointment/music lesson/recital/whatever and Hubs can't attend, don't be a door mat. Let's say the music teacher gives Mama Ex a schedule of upcoming recitals, politely say, "May I have one of those as well? Bobby's father and I will want a copy for our records." No, you aren't being a bitch and no, you aren't violating your boundaries. You and Hubs are a team and you share your life with his children. Many times, if it's just you and Mama Ex at the event, people will make the assumption that you're Mama Ex's sister or a good friend. That's not their fault; they don't know any better. But that doesn't mean you can't correct them.
As a stepmom, you're learning new things every day, and it's not very likely that you'll get it all right the first time. If you make a mistake, brush it off and right the ship the next time.
Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is a family. Give it time.
It's fairly customary for me to scroll through my Facebook feed at at least 10 times a day. Okay 20.
At most 30.
But yesterday as I sped past all the baby announcements, comments on the weather and post of self loathing, something occurred to me. My stepdaughters are growing up in an era where every person's opinion on every subject are available to them at any moment. When I was a child, I formed my opinions by listening to the grown-ups that I saw the most: my parents, teachers and religious leaders.
So in an the age of constant information (or misinformation) overload, what truths and lessons do I want to make darn sure my stepchildren will take with them? It took several sleepless hours last night, but in the end, I decided it wasn't truths I'm worried about...but lies. Big, fat, dangerous misconceptions that have no business in my step children's heads. So I'm on a mission to never teach my stepdaughters (or any future children of my own) lies that could be the difference between a good life and a great life.
Grades are everything.
I'd be telling a big, fat lie myself, if I said I wasn't already kind of guilty of this one. So maybe I just promise to no longer tell this lie. It's a hard line to walk when you want to push the importance of grades, while simultaneously being aware that there's no way your kid is ever going to be asked to give a deep dive into why Romeo and Juliet were destined for an early grave. Grades do make a difference, yes. I mean, if kids flunk 8th grade English, then consequently, 9th grad English will be even tougher. But I grew up in a time where anything below an A was unacceptable. It made me crazy. Rather than listening to what the teacher said, I was thinking, "If I get a C on my next test, that takes my grade to a 89%, which is a B. And I'm dead."
I understand the importance of the basic 3: reading, writing arithmetic. (And I think we should throw science in there, too.) But if my stepkid sucks at public speaking and bombs Speech and Drama, there's no way I'm telling her she's not going to get into college because of it. Which leads me to the next lie I won't tell.
College is a necessity
I'm just going to say it...I'm not 100% sure both of my stepkids will go to college for several reasons. The largest reason among them being that Mama Ex does not believe college is important, and would rather the children find a Sugar Daddy early on to take care of them. With that kind of mentality being pushed at them 65% of the time, it's a tall order to sway them the other way. Hubs and I continually push that college will make getting a well paid job easier, but even that's kind of a lie. Think of all the kids graduating college with $80,000+ in student loan debt that are moving back home and working at Kohl's. A college degree does not mean a well paying job anymore - and maybe it never did. I would much rather push working hard for your dream, whatever that may be. Maybe my stepkid has mad comedic talent and wants to write the next "Friends." Maybe an internship would give her everything she needs to make that dream a reality. Perhaps my youngest stepdaughter loves working on cars and wants to start her own detailing business, and an associate's degree is really all she needs. Bottom line, the "you must go to college" sermon is so 1996. I want to think bigger and differently, and that's what I'll encourage my stepkids to do as well.
Waiting for marriage is the best way to go
My parents' "sex talk" was pretty simple, and said with creased eyebrows and wringing hands. "Sex is when A goes into B, and don't do it until you're married or God will know and you'll burn in hell. Okay? Dinner's ready."
My approach is a bit different based on life experience. I dated the same guy on and off for almost 8 years. We loved each other and had a perfectly lovely relationship - for kids that were 18. But if I had held out on sleeping with him, I don't know that I would've have figured out that we were totally wrong for each other. Sex (or lack thereof) would have become the epicenter of our relationship at that tender age. Every move would have centered around "WHEN ARE WE GOING TO DO IT, ALREADY?" The fact that I broke my parents' rule and slept with him after waiting for 6 months was probably one of the scariest things I'd ever done, but looking back, I'm so glad I did it. It matured me. It made me understand what a real relationship involved. Before, sex was this sacred and scary thing that I could only do with one person. Ever. Once I did it with someone I truly loved and had a great experience, it was no longer scary or evil. I understood it was something special to be done with someone I loved. In college, the boyfriend and I broke up (several times) and when I dated other guys, I could take sex or leave it. It wasn't my reason for dating. I wasn't afraid of it, and I felt in control of it. That's how I want my step daughter's to feel: in control. I want them to understand their bodies and understand what sex is about, so that some a-hole with a red Mustang and a mustache can't use it to manipulate them and get them knocked up. Which leads me to...
You can get pregnant at any time, in any position, fully clothed and while on your period.
I know I wasn't the only one that was told this lie growing up. We all heard the story about the stupid girl that dry humped her boyfriend and somehow the baby juice went through his jeans, past her Z Cavaricci's, through her underwear and up into her vagina where a magical baby was made. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!!
Nope. I won't do it to my stepkids. I am a firm believer in facts, not made up lies used to scare and intimidate rather than educate and empower. No one ever explained my cycle to me after 6th grade sex education class. And all I remember from that experience was trying not to laugh when the 65 year old lady said the word "penis" and "ejaculation." At that age, I was so freaked out about this impending period thing that could happen at any time that I wasn't even listening to how a baby is actually made.
(And for the record, it's way harder than they make it sound.)
As a woman struggling with infertility, I want to pass facts and information along to my step daughters. I want them to understand what is happening to their body each month, and why their boobs hurt and what could happen if they have sex at a time when they're ovulating. When I was 18, I thought ovulation was something the moon did around the sun.
I realize there are freak scenarios where people get pregnant on their period, and that is frankly, completely outside the point. If my stepchildren are comfortable enough talking to me or their mom or dad about sex and pregnancy, then they will likely be comfortable enough to talk to us about prevention when the time comes. I was terrified to talk to my Mom about birth control, so I just didn't get any and hoped for the best. I was fortunate that I didn't get pregnant before I was ready, but so many others aren't that lucky.
If you get a job, you keep it. Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever...
My father worked at the same company for 15 years right out of high school, and only moved on because the company went under. Hubs' father has never worked anywhere other than where he got his first job post-college. He's been there nearly 40 years.
Me? I got a job out of college and moved to another one three months later. Than, nine months after that I moved again. Then two years after that. Then two and a half years after that. I've now been with a company I love for over two years and have no desire to go elsewhere. But it took me 7 years to get here. Now, before you go ballistic and call me a job hopper, I'll do it for you. I was a job hopper out of college. I had a degree, and as soon as I got to my first job, I realized I hated it. I hated being behind a desk 40 hours a week making meager money for a boss I hated. My parents all but flipped out, saying, "But they have dental! And 401k! Don't you dare quit!" So I quit and found something else that had dental and 401k.
My point is, if I had stayed at that job I hated, I never would have to do better for myself. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with longevity at a company. It certainly looks better on a resume. But if you're miserable, aren't you doing yourself and the company a disservice? Yes, you are. I will teach my stepchildren that the first isn't always best. (That lesson works with sex, too, by the way.) I want to challenge my step daughters to keep pushing, to keep looking for the job that will make them feel proud and excited and motivated if the one they have isn't holding up its end of the bargain.
It wasn't easy for me. I was fired from one job and laid off from another. I struggled. I cried. But I learned a lesson from each employer I worked for. And looking back, each one of my jobs prepared me for the next, culminating in a career I actually look forward to every day. And if, someday, the job I currently hold fails to stimulate me the way it does now, I'll be on the search for something that does. If my step daughters land one job that lasts them 50 years, I will be just as proud as I would if it takes them 15 jobs to find what makes them happy.
And that's the truth.
What lies will you never tell you children or stepchildren? Do you worry about the lies they're learning from other kids and adults? How do you handle it?
