Warped Reality

My hubby and I never thought we'd utter the words "Why can't she just like One Direction?". But we did.

Somewhere in the last thirty days we've gone from having a british obsessed laughy happy teen who is O.B.S.E.S.S.E.D. with the likes of Harry, Nial and some other names I do not know but adorn the walls of her bedroom (every squre inch to be exact) to a girl with tears because she wants to attend some all day shindig with bands who look like miniature Marilyn Manson protégées and her parents are not super excited about it. What the F??

Now, I'm perfectly sympathetic to changing the tone of your tunes as a teen because some boy you have the latest crush on totally wants a chick who knows all the words to Ruby Soho but wanting to dress up like this guy:

for Halloween and calling him your "hero" has struck a not so happy nerve in our house. Oh and don't say that he looks like a guy from Kiss because that will also create a hysteria fueled, eye rolling arguement you don't want any part of. We aren't sure what is driving this change but we're willing to do what we can to curb it -- and quick.
....
A couple of weeks ago ago hubby and I were sitting on the couch, enjoying a perfectly relaxing evening when we noticed a new post by B on her Facebook.

"OMG..My parents are SO MEAN!! I'm probably going to be in trouble for posting this but they don't understand my EnTirE world revolves around (insert band names). They won't let me go to Warped Tour!!! Who else is going?? MY LIFE IS OVER!!! I'm going to be 14 and a half when it's here!! This is DUMB! They think there will be smoking and drugs and fighting. They don't know anything about concerts - I'VE DONE MY RESEARCH"

Naturally we ignore the rant and keep an eye on the comments. It seems little Miss Drama-Never-Been-to-a-Concert's friends weren't piping up about how awful we were in a timely enough fashion that the post was hastily removed after a few minutes. Oh the need for likes and social gratification. Even with the post missing the hint dropping over tickets for Christmas kept up over the next week or so. This wasn't going away and we needed a plan.

While most parents would stick to their guns and decide the all day band fest is no place for their kid, we chose another path. We have called her bluff. We have now offered to take her and ALL her friends (because EVERYONE she knows is going) that want to go as long as she pays her own admission. All the headbanging, face painted, ear wrenching jam fest she can handle -- as she sits next to her dad and me. For us, we think this phase is about the attention she wants or some boy she's crushing on rather than the true desire to attend this show. Only time will tell if she will back off this or not but in the mean time - we're planning our outfits and stocking up on studded collars -- and ear plugs.

Have you ever been tested by your teen? Did you pass the test or get schooled?

To be continued....

 

Posted with Blogsy

super struggle

Later today is a gigantic game of football that fans have waited all season for.  However, only a few fans actually have their team playing in this super-sized game.  There are cheers and beers, winners and losers. But everyone is keeping an eye on the QB's to see how they try to pull off the W.

The more I began to think about the gridiron battle this afternoon, I began to think...Do you ever feel like you're the QB of your very own team?  One comprised of you, your fabulous +1, and your step kiddos?  But, unlike the game of football, the teams change.  And at some point, your kiddos go to play for someone else?  The evil team!!  Their mother's team.

The dynamic of some step families can feel like that of a professional football team.  There are QB's to run offense -- in my family that's me, protected by an incredible line -- my hubby.  And then the receivers -- our kids. But on our team, we only have receivers half the time.  

Offense and defense against their mom's team seems to be an ongoing battle.  Longer than just the 60 minutes in regulation games.  Some days we have to put our pads on in a moments notice.  Other times, like around holidays, we know we expect overtime.

But like any game, there is always a loser.  And in the case of split families, it is usually the kids.

So, today, while you're with your team, watching your NFL team, try to think about how to combine the two teams that seem to always be on offense vs defense in your life.  Let the kids be the winners and make a play to improve their chance of winning!

Go Team!

 

 

Lady's Story Pt. 1

I grew up in the typical midwest, American family.  High school sweethearts for parents, a dog, a cat and a brother that I loved and hated depending on the day.  My parents weren't able to have children of their own but through sweet luck on their side, were able to adopt my brother and I. 

Growing up I was always involved in any activity I could fit into my schedule, made good grades and was boy crazy to the 'nth degree.  I loved traveling with my family and still love retelling stories of our adventures together.

Once in college, it was very apparent that I had become different than a lot of the girls I was in high school with.  Everyone seemed to be focused on finishing school, getting married and having babies.  Well, at least those that didn't just go ahead and have them in high school.  

I was different.  I just wanted to stay in school forever -- and believe me, I tried.  I lived for parties and prided myself on knowing all of the bouncers and bartenders in the town.  For me, looking ahead meant figuring out which outfit I was going to wear on the weekend and what our after-hours theme was going to be.  Marriage and kids were the LAST thing on my mind.

Fast forward a few years and the sound of an olive hitting the bottom of my martini glass, the clacking of stilettos all around me and a trip to the dry cleaners every 4 days was all too regular.  I was living in a power city more than a thousand miles away from home --still in school, still dating and living up the night while working for a fabulous S&P 500 company.  My friends were all ages, single and not one parent in the group.  The thought of children terrified me.  I was on the fast track with my company and was always focused on my next promotion.   Independent woman, hear me roar!

 

 

An Outsider Finally Feeling In

Since meeting my stepkids, I've always felt like an outsider when they are with my husband and I.  Their inside jokes, years of history and their ability to know just what each other is thinking without saying the words.  


My husband is an amazing father.  He knows his kids inside and out, just like any father should.  He knows what they like to eat, what they will watch when it comes to movie time, what their argument will be for not wanting to take a shower...everything.  And they know him.   Dad likes this.  Dad doesn't do that.  Dad always wears this on game days.  Dad love this.  Dad doesn't have that.  The words "he never liked that before" or "if it weren't for you, Dad wouldn't do that" seem to ring in our house constantly. 


I feel like I'm always failing when it comes to being a part of their crowd.  Pizza night? I order from the wrong place, or the wrong kind.  Movies?  We've seen that already. Dad would have known.  Dad knows what we like.  Dad makes my (fill in the blank) the way I like them.  Why doesn't Dad just make dinner?  We play this game with Dad, not that one.  Dad. Is. Perfect. (I hear: why are you here??)


Yet, even with Super Dad in place, the five of us still do everything together when they're at our house.  But at times it feels like the four of them would be better off without me.  I don't understand the ongoing battle for superiority in mini golf when we play.  I don't know who gets to hold the popcorn when we go to the movies. Even this summer when we went on their annual family vacation (much longer post on that later), I was experiencing things with their family for the first time yet this was old hat to the kids and my husband.  What I found to be exciting, was merely old news.  All of their habits have been established years before I came into the picture.  And seem to be set in stone.  Really big, super glued and concreted stone.


I've always felt I just don't have a place.  Until the other day.


We went to visit my folks while they were on one of their camping excursions and while I was inside the camper helping my mom prep for dinner, the kids and their dad were outside playing a game, "Who Knows Dad The Best".  My SD yells to me that I should play too.  This felt like a trap.  I got a knot in my stomach the size of a soccer ball wondering if they were going to point and laugh at me setting me up for failure.  Knowing that the kids would surely know everything about their dad and I'd only have what I've learned about him in the two years we've been together.  


So I tell her I'm going to be a little while but to go ahead without me.  I'd help them if they got stuck on something they didn't know.  All the while I'm trying to tell myself I'd give anything to win that game.


So, as I am licking the frosting off the spoon mixing up the frosting for cupcakes, I overhear the game begin.


"What is Dad's favorite food?".  Duh, sushi I think to myself.  


"Besides, sushi..." Crap, I would have nailed that one!  


The kids throw out their answers of tacos, steak...a lot of um...and I dunno's...and finally the youngest, my 7 year old stepson says, "Lasagna".  Of course.  This is right and I'm proud of him for knowing (while mentally high fiving myself).


The questions continue from "Dad's favorite sport" to "Dad's favorite color"...easy questions.


And then it happened.  The questions got harder and the kids were stumped.  They didn't know what his favorite time of year was.  They didn't know what his favorite soda was.  They didn't know his favorite vacation or even his favorite band.  


And I did!


Then the questions turned to the kids' favorites.  And this time, Dad didn't know them!  


And I did!!!


And though I wasn't outside playing along with them, I had a feeling inside that I had never had before.  For the first time I was thinking that I might actually "get them".  And maybe next time we did something together, I'd have a chance of doing it right.  Or anticipating their wants.  


This one little tiny moment of shimmering hope stood in my mind and shrunk down that soccer ball in my stomach.  


For the first time, something as simple as knowing my step son's favorite color was yellow, when their Dad didn't, made me feel like the Queen of the United States I wasn't always going to be an outsider.  Like all of my hard work in trying to learn everything about them was finally starting to stick.


When I became a Stepmom, I expected everything to fall in line and to be able to step into their lives and fit like a perfect puzzle.  I had been able to do that with my husband and figured the kids would be just as easy.  I. Was. Wrong.  


It hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies but finally, I'm feeling like I am making strides with the kids and we are starting to build our own super glued concrete rock.  It may have really rough edges, and may not always stick together just perfect, but it is ours.  And it is a start.


What was your "I Fit!!" moment with your new family?  Did it take time or was it instant?